Musings by Maverick

Maverick Lumen
- Feb 15, 2020
- 1 min read

Kink: A Vulnerable, Connecting, and Healing Process

Updated: Mar 28, 2020

I wrote an article for LooseLips Magazine about my relationship with Kink and how it is a part of my healing journey. It was published just in time for Valentine's Day! While February 14th can place pressure on us to do extra for our partners if we are in relationships, or find someone if we are single; we don't have to follow the set script put forward by society in regards to our lives. We don't have to follow a "vanilla" relationship structure. Let's stop making assumptions about how sex and romance are going to flow between us and our partners, and actively have conversations about how we want to experience each other and pleasure. And if you also want to learn how to be responsible and safe with Kink and the edgier types of play that can occur, give it a read. It's a great introductory piece on how to start incorporating some of these foundational aspects of Kink.

Here's a short Twitter thread that @AskASub wrote that perfectly illustrates what "vanilla" is.

It's not an issue of "missionary and no missionary, it's an issue of consent and prior negotiation."

Lina Dune: What people think you mean when you say "vanilla sex" - Missionary - Sex that is loving - Sex with no impact play. And because "vanilla" and "kinky" have been situated as a binary, when you say "kinky" people think you mean - No missionary - Sex that is rough and therefore inherently un-loving - All impact play all the time. The real binary here is not between missionary and no missionary, it's an issue of consent and prior negotiation.

AskASub Thread Part 1

Lina Dune: When we have Vanilla Sex, we're following a script set forward for us by society. My theory queers will recognize this as originating from compulsory heteronormativity. Gender roles are already defined, and we all know "what happens next". This is actually extremely dangerous, because no two people's assumed scripts will be identical. And it makes it awkward to assert boundaries or to opt out of certain acts. It causes people to "just try stuff" (see: the non-negotiated choke) bc discussion is shunned as "unsexy". And on the flip side, anything outside of the script of say, your most mainstream porn, is deemed weird, divergent, indulgent, wrong, or immoral. So where does the line get drawn between Vanilla Sex and more conscious / sex positive / kink inclusive sex? I think if there's prior negotiation, active consent obtained throughout, and a check in after, that's not Vanilla Sex. Even if it's just missionary and gentle kissing.

AskASub Thread Part 2

Lina Dune: This is also a great time to mention that kinky sex, even the most hardcore BDSM play, can be loving, fun, light, silly, and sweet. It just exists within a structure and often features a negotiated power dynamic, rather than being completely freeform aka chaotic. The point is - maybe the real binary is between Consent Conscious Sex and everything else.

AskASub Thread Part 3

26 views0 comments

Instagram Live w/ Maygen Nicholson

How the Term "Straight Passing" Harms Us All

September 17, 2020

Running Wild w/ Christine Episode 95

Counselling For and By Queer, Nonbinary and Trans Folx, with Maverick

May 1, 2020

Outrun the Stigma Article Feature

Learning, Breathing, Caring: A reflection on my journey

March 30, 2020

LooselipsMag Article Feature

Kink: a Vulnerable, Connecting, and Healing Process

February 14, 2020

Enjoy the content I create?

Follow me on Twitter @queerlich to get notified when something new is up (mailing list coming soon)!

If you would like to support my writing, suggest a topic, or send me a tip; follow and donate on Ko-fi. The funds gathered are used to support the folks I see on a sliding scale (and further reduced fees) or help equip people with earbuds when needed so that they can access video counselling.

Interested in collaborating?

Look below for some work I've done in the past, or check out any of my social media for more examples of my writing.

I often talk about my experiences living in a queer, neurodivergent and traumatized body. I imagine and hope for a future where my work as it is now is no longer needed. Where communities are equipped to care for each other with understanding and empathy.

Contact me with the details